At the edge

It’s been a while, ain’t it?

How’ve you been?


… sitting down, it’s late again, looking at the clock wondering will it stop if l hold my breath long enough, we it stand still like me while my mind is taking the speed of light.


If anyone wondered where have I’ve been well in reality, unfortunately. That’s what life forces you to do every now and then, if you want to belong in this world. If l tell you I am OK, you should know l am a bad liar. I mean, what is OK anyway? Yes, my health is sort of fine, it’s been like that for almost a year but doesn’t mean I would pass all of the health tests if given, ya know. I got a job, so there’s that. Yes, it is something I went to school for, gave, as old people would say, my best years in it, but I am happy with the position? I assume you get the point. No, I am not. Not yet. Working on it. But you know what’s the problem with “working on it”, it fucking takes time! Family you ask? Do you have to? Love? It’s there, it makes me happy l guess but atm I can’t really go there.

What I’m trying to say here is I am back. Which one on ME is back I should know but they switch so fast I lost track. Feeling those multiple personalities in you gets hard from time to time. I am not someone diagnosed with DID but I tend to call my mood swings or whatever if going on inside my head like that so…

I have so much to say but as soon as I start talking or writing words and thought just turn into one big blob and I end up being stuck.  So for the future readers, I will probably continue writing in sections. Depending on my mood, on the events in my life and what it triggers in me. It’s probably gonna be a mess but hey so am I.


At the edge of year, twenties, life… What do you do? Do you chose the easy way out? Do you fight? You gonna get bruised. Like a lot. Or would you rather enjoy the benefits of staying quiet and blind?

I am so done with waiting for my financial status to be stable, for love that I deserve to be given to me, for my happy days to shine, for attention, for calm mornings and peaceful nights. I am at the very verge of my strength and nerves. I wanna be safe inside.

At the edge you have to fight! Fight you! 

Truly yours,

Seven

I have returned

Hello readers, Seven is back.

How should l start this? With Happy New Year or not?

I will assume someone here noticed I was gone simply because thinking that you matter is nice. The reason l didn’t write in a while was due to my health problems. Namely, l had my hip replaces and l am only 27 years old. Yep, total hip replacement. Why you wonder? Well, this is my 5th surgery on my hip so it is sort of normal thing for me but still it hit me hard. And not only in literal meaning. I mean it turned my life 180 degrees. But here l am again. It’s been almost three months since the surgery and l am feeling better but still in a recovery process. How long will it take me to walk again like “normal” person? I don’t know, never? I mean, l never walked like a normal person but had my ways of hiding it. God damn l’m good at hiding this. I suppose all of us are when we have a strong desire for something to stay private.

PRIVATE.

PRIVACY.

This is the reason l came back. Ok, l am lying a bit cause l wanted to keep writing not just to explain this but here we are.

So, l wanted to say a few words on privacy and what l think it it TODAY. I used to think, and l think many of you will agree, that privacy was something private. You know, something only you knew or one more person not the whole world. But the world has changed, obviously. People tend to share everything and l mean literary                              E V E R Y T H I N G !!! And l get it, you want to be heard but do you listen?

When was the last time you listened to someone?

We forgot to walk, to listen, to understand and therefor we made the need to post our privacy all over the internet. We created that trend to share and post and post and share more than we would ever want if we would to answer honestly the question: Do you want everyone to know that?

Return to the basic being. Return to the true self. Talk and more importantly LISTEN and you will feel valued more than you do after receiving those likes.

 

Seven

“I love you.” – “Thank you.(?)”

We all know about those three words, those words that can change every relationship you ever made.

I love you.

Sometimes it’s so incomprehensible to me that we gave those three words so much power. Over the centuries they’ve lost their true meaning but took the faces of value, possession and acceptance.

I love you!

Since we are born we’re thought to not be scared to love, to show our love in any form and to simply feel it but as adults do we do that or we just use those three words to control the situation and another person?!

I love you.

On the other hand, we encourage our children, family members and friends to have enough strength to say No and to feel those emotions opposite of love.

I love you.

So l ask you why is it unacceptable, why is it strange, why can’t l say “Thank you.”, “Ok.”, “Nice.” as an answer to “I love you.” in times that l just don’t feel the same?

If I am to follow “the right way” I should then lie to someone who just opened their heart to me? I should take an advantage of their feelings and play along? I simply can’t. I simply won’t. I don’t want to be part of that charade anymore. The game where, even in our most secret moments like expressing love is, we are still playing hide and seek giving each other what we want not what we need just for sake of what? Not being rejected? Not being left alone after saying the truth? No. I am done with that even if it costs me the love of my life. Not if I am not ready to say what is in my heart.

Summa summarum,

You are not obliged to love someone just because they love you nor you’re obliged to love something everyone around you loves.

 

Seven

Crumb of my life

It’s been awhile since I last wrote anything. Why you wonder? Well, life happened.

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For some time now I’ve been struggling with, well life. Lot has happened, changes, people changing, me changing. For better or for worse? Well, that is left for the part “to be continued…”

Basically what I’m trying to say is that a crumb of my life was left unsupervised and it rolled of the table, away from the bread. So I went to get it back. To put it back where it belongs. I went to create a whole all over again. I haven’t quite finished yet, but I’m getting there.

I had more to say and I still do but I’m just not ready to shape it and share it. The things I want you to know should be more than plain words. They should carry a piece of me and piece of an advice. So, stay tuned. Lessons are coming.

Till then, don’t leave your crumbs unsupervised.

 

Seven 

 

Chameleon of emotions

You know how so much can happen in one day that it can turn your life around? Well that “one day” has been happening to me for the last couple of months. Yeah, party !

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So much has been going on that I lost count and my priority list has been altered more that 100 times. And today as l a writing this the wheel just keeps on turning. I don’t know anymore where my head is. What should l do first nor what decisions are gonna be good for me. You know that feeling of your stomach turning inside out every time you take a breath. That feeling seconds before you hear someone saying yes or no to you. Well, that feeling of constant despair and desire to get the answer is taking over my whole being. And l am lost.

The whole spectrum of emotions is digesting my soul but still my body is lying numb. The constant fight inside of me turned me into such a confused person that l don’t know who am l any more.

How, how can l take just one color and paint myself to become plain and boring cause this chameleon state is draining me to my last atoms.

 

Seven

Are emotions finite?

There are times in life when you think “Nothing can surprise me no more.”  but even if it is true for you, even if you have experienced so much in your lifetime, still, are you sure you can control your reactions?

Till recently I thought I have experienced all there is when it comes to emotions. Sadness, unlimited joy, love, loss, trust, disgust etc. but it seems I had a wrong idea about the concept of finite emotions. Now I’m starting to believe they are not finite. They simply can’t be.

When you find yourself prepared for the worse but hoping for the best you think you got it all, but is it true? Finding yourself in the situation that happened numerous times already you think to yourself “Oh I got this. I know how it’s gonna go and how it’s gonna end, so just try staying alive till the end and all will be just fine. You’ve been through this already, chill.” but you can’t. It’s not that simple. Ok, you may have more realistic view toward it now but still it will move you, it will make you emotional one way or another.

Emotions are not finite as much as we wished they were. They are there, all the time, waiting for you to let them be, to burst or they will push you aside and conquer. Remember last time you tried staying cold and just being unemotional, well how did it go? Yeah, maybe you didn’t show any of it but I bet you you felt it. You felt the flicker inside your chest that you couldn’t extinguish that easily. That is what I am talking about.

Even when you whole brain, everything you know is screaming “This is how it’s supposed to be, don’t be a baby and stick to it!” your body, your heart is telling you a different story. So you end up being torn between the two, trying so hard to let the brain take the control but that son of a b**ch, that flicker just won’t let you be. Why? Is it cause you thought it wasn’t there no more, is it cause you though you could control it? No way. You can make him stay low in the cages of your being but it can’t be tamed.

So never forget that emotions are not so limited, even when you thing there is nothing more to make them erupt. You are a human being and you were created out of emotions.

 

Seven

The heat of anticipation

Anticipation.

Whenever we talk about anticipation people tend to link it to that burning feeling you get just before something great is gonna happen. The feeling of your chest burning, your ribs hugging your lungs stronger and stronger making it hard to breathe but you enjoy it and you don’t want it to end. The feeling of pure pleasure. Even Sylvia Townsend Warner said — “Anticipation of pleasure is a pleasure in itself.” Well maybe all of this is true and the only way to explain anticipation but for me there is more to it.

Have you ever thought of anticipation as ambivalent feeling you get about certain things or people? It doesn’t always have to be connected to positive things you are experiencing, it may as well be a sad feeling of you knowing something is gonna get ruined.

As many, so did I anticipated a lot in my life but over the years due to many bad outcomes of the situations l anticipated, I started feeling resentful. I started fearing that feeling. But don’t. Sylvia was right. Sometimes that heat of anticipation can heal your soul even for a while, even if the future even won’t end as you hoped for. Enjoy that moment. Enjoy that level of euphoria your mind and body creates for you. Enjoy it ’cause there is a possibility for you to lose it. To lose that sense of excitement over something or someone. After that, you become numb and numb is worse than dead.

So go, anticipate, burn and be alive.

Keep-Calm-Shiver-in-Anticipation

 

Seven