It’s been a while, ain’t it?
How’ve you been?
… sitting down, it’s late again, looking at the clock wondering will it stop if l hold my breath long enough, we it stand still like me while my mind is taking the speed of light.
If anyone wondered where have I’ve been well in reality, unfortunately. That’s what life forces you to do every now and then, if you want to belong in this world. If l tell you I am OK, you should know l am a bad liar. I mean, what is OK anyway? Yes, my health is sort of fine, it’s been like that for almost a year but doesn’t mean I would pass all of the health tests if given, ya know. I got a job, so there’s that. Yes, it is something I went to school for, gave, as old people would say, my best years in it, but I am happy with the position? I assume you get the point. No, I am not. Not yet. Working on it. But you know what’s the problem with “working on it”, it fucking takes time! Family you ask? Do you have to? Love? It’s there, it makes me happy l guess but atm I can’t really go there.
What I’m trying to say here is I am back. Which one on ME is back I should know but they switch so fast I lost track. Feeling those multiple personalities in you gets hard from time to time. I am not someone diagnosed with DID but I tend to call my mood swings or whatever if going on inside my head like that so…
I have so much to say but as soon as I start talking or writing words and thought just turn into one big blob and I end up being stuck. So for the future readers, I will probably continue writing in sections. Depending on my mood, on the events in my life and what it triggers in me. It’s probably gonna be a mess but hey so am I.
At the edge of year, twenties, life… What do you do? Do you chose the easy way out? Do you fight? You gonna get bruised. Like a lot. Or would you rather enjoy the benefits of staying quiet and blind?
I am so done with waiting for my financial status to be stable, for love that I deserve to be given to me, for my happy days to shine, for attention, for calm mornings and peaceful nights. I am at the very verge of my strength and nerves. I wanna be safe inside.
At the edge you have to fight! Fight you!